Therapy With Death Eaters
by karabell-karaboo723
Summary: Why are Death Eaters so evil? was it all because of their father or was their mother really to blame. From the person who brought you Attack of the Mary-Sue, comes yet another piece of crap to grace the pages of fan Fiction. Read it, you know you want to.
1. So, I Killed Them

**This is what my friends and I discussed during lunch and our off periods today. Yes, we are that cool.**

**So, all of the Death Eaters will go to see Mr. Shultz, but you won't **_**really**_** find out who they are until the very end. You'll probably be able to guess, though. **

**And I still own nothing. I know, it's so sad.**

**The Death Eaters Go to Therapy!**

"So, what was your childhood like, Mr. umm..?" said a poor innocent and ignorant therapist known as Mr. Shultz.

"Well, my mother hated me, she didn't even save herself. No, she had to be selfish and DIE! And my father! He hated my mother so much, and he hated me too. So, I killed him. And then I killed his parents."

"WHAT! Well, why? I mean your poor grandparents, they didn't even do anything to you!"

"Well, hmm… I guess that it just seemed like fun."

"WAIT! If you think that killing people is fun, than what made you come to therapy and anger management. I mean, I know why, but what made you realize that what you were doing was immoral?"

"Well, I never thought of it as 'immoral', but one of my Death Eaters told me that he thought that I needed to take anger management classes"

"So you decided to listen to him. Good." Said Mr. Shultz, who was now feeling a bit optimistic.

"No, actually I killed him. Then his wife said that this was why I should go to anger management classes. So, I was about to kill her, then I realized what she meant. If I didn't learn to control my furry, I would eventually kill all of my loyal Death Eaters. Then, I killed her anyways."

By now, Mr. Shultz had seriously started to regret his career choice. But then again, how was he supposed to know that he was going to get stuck with patients like this?

"Okay then. Well you do realized that killing this many people could possibly damage your soul? It really isn't very healthy at all."

"Oh, yes, I do know that killing people splits your soul. Actually, I've split mine into seven pieces. It was really the most fun that I'd had in ages."

"wha- wha- wha- WHAT? SEVEN DIFFERENT PIECES! Are they near each other, or with each other, or- or- or-"

"Well, one was actually inside of a book. And one was in a ring that I got after I killed my father. And one is in a crown, and that other piece is in that cup, and my snake has one, and…"

"whoa! You gave a _snake_ a piece of your soul?" said an extremely astounded and frightened Mr. Shultz

"Yes, Nagini is my pet and dearest friend."

"Your snake is your best friend?"

"Yes, is that so wrong, Mr. Shultz? We have extremely engaging conversations about most anything or on any subject, you know. See, watch this. "

[enter Nagini]

"sssssssssssssssss, master, you called? Ssssssssssssss"

"you see, we get each other."

"So you talk to snakes too."

"Yes, it is a very rare gift, though. But I like it, It makes me feel special."

"So, does killing people make you feel special?"

"Yes, it reminds me of how powerful I am. And of how loyal and close to me my Death Eaters are."

"So you kill people for sport"

"And for fun."

"have you ever though about hunting, instead?"

"but I do hunt, Mr. Shultz. Especially teenaged boys with no parents and mysterious scars, round glasses and black hair. Although their friends are quite fun to have a go at too."

"I meant animals. Hunting animals, not people."

"Oh, but I do hunt animals too! All kinds of animals!"

"Muggles don't count as animals."

"do unicorns?"

"I think that I have figured out the beginnings of all of your problems, you see, because you never had an actual relationship with either of your parents, you have decided that nobody else should have parents or happiness either."

"Or maybe I just enjoy killing things."

"that could also be a possibility Mr. Tom Marvolo Riddle."

"DO NO T, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER CALL ME TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE AGAIN! AND I MEAN IT"

"or what, you'll kill me?"

**So there you go, my 2****nd**** story. I'll probably do Snape, Bellatrix, Draco, Lucius, Narcissus, Regulus, Crabbe, Goyle, and Yaxley.**

**Tell me who you think should be next!**


	2. She Never Really Loved Me

**Well, three alerts and zero reviews. **

**This disappoints me. **

**Sadly, I also seriously considered leaving myself a review just so that I could boost my self esteem. **

**Seriously, what is so hard about leaving a review? All you do is click a button and tell me if or what you like about the story.**

**Hmm, maybe I'll become one of**_** those**_** authors who refuse to write until she gets at least a certain number of reviews. **

**Eh, I'm just kidding. I honestly can't stand when people do stuff like that. **

**Anyways, here is the next chapter! **

**Please, enjoy! And, Review!**

**And You Know What, I Don't Think She Ever Loved Me**

"Well, it all started when I was born."

"That early in your life? Really? Well, no wonder you have come to therapy." Said Mr. Shultz

"Yes, well, you see, my dad, Tobias (**I'm too lazy to check, so we'll hope that I'm right)**, was a muggle. And, well, my mum was a witch. I guess that my dad got a bit creeped out, so he began to yell. A lot."

"wait, how do you know that he didn't yell before you were born? Or before he met your mum?" said Mr. Shultz, questioningly.

"Well… I umm… You know… Okay, so I don't know for sure, but I think that it is more than a little obvious that my father hated my mother and I, okay."

"You know, you and the last guy that was in here both had fathers that hated them. I wonder if that's requirement to become a death eater. If it is, I could probably join up." Said Mr. Shultz very sarcastically.

"Well, that wasn't the worst of it. Every day, he would kick me put of the house. So, I started going down to the park on Spinner's End. There was a girl there. Well actually there were two there, but he sister looked like a cow."

"So, you had a crush on this girl?"

"Yes, we soon became best friends. And every day, I would tell her all about magic. And Hogwarts."

"So how long did this go on?"

"Until we got to Hogwarts. You see we were sorted into separate houses."

"So the house rivalry drove the two of you apart? I see."

"No, actually I called her a mud- blood in fifth year, and, well, things just kind of went down hill from there on out."

"Did you apologize for calling her a mud- blood?" said a very skeptical Mr. Shultz.

"Well, umm, kind of."

"What do you mean by 'kind of'?" said Mr. Shultz. He felt like he was talking to a five year old. It was a yes or no question, for god's sake!

"Well, I tried to! I went to her common room and even threatened to sleep out there I she didn't come out side and listen to me!"

"That does qualify as a bit stalkerish, you know."

"Yes, she did yell that at me."

"Did you try your hardest to make it better?"

Yes, I even considered telling her that I loved her."

"Well, why didn't you?"

"Because, telling her about my feelings, why, that would have ruined our entire friendship right then and there! Seriously, what if she didn't like me back?"

"Are you really being such a girl about this? I mean, come on, she probably has got more balls than you do!" said Mr. Shultz. What a wimp, he thought; he couldn't even tell a girl that he liked her!

"Actually, she just so happens to be dead."

"Oh, now, do you see what happens when you wait around for life to come to you?"

"That's not the worst part, though. She ended up married to my mortal enemy! And my other mortal enemy, his best friend, was their best man, secret keeper, and their son's god father. Or 'dog father' as I prefer to call him."

"Now that is just weak. You need to tell him how much you actually hate him."

"Well, I can't really do that, because he's dead."

"Oh, well, what did those two boys; umm… what were their names?"

"James and Sirius."

"Yes, so what did James and Sirius do to you that made you hate them so much?"

"Well, they tricked me into going into a dark, scary, tunnel and they…"

"Oh, No! Did they rape you?"

"NO! They just tried to kill me, that's all."

"Oh, how?"

"They tried to get a werewolf to eat me."

"And the love of your life married someone who did this?"

"Yes, I know. I could not believe it either. I never would have thought that she, of all people, would not see through all of Potter's tricks and schemes."

"Now, that is exactly why you should have told her. So that she didn't end up married to someone like that. I'll bet that even if she didn't like you back, then you would at least still be friends. That's why you should have told her how you felt."

"But it would have ruined our friendship!"

"Oh, like it wasn't over any ways!"

"You are one messed up therapist!"

"Like I'm any worse than you are, Severus Snape."

"Why?"

"Look at yourself! You are pathetic! You've spent the last two and a half decades pinning over some girl that you loved who ended up married to your mortal enemy! Get a life, man!"

**Well, there you go. Chapter two. Almost a thousand words. Almost. **

**Poor Snape. **

**He is so pathetic.**

**Please Review and tell me who you want to see next!**

**Click the button, you know you want to!**


	3. What is Your Blood Status?

**YAY! I have reviews! I feel so loved.**

**I should really be doing my science and English homework right now.**

**OH MY GOD! I just remembered that my reading guide is due tomorrow!**

**I should really do that, but I know that I won't be able to work unless I update this. **

**Due to popular demand, here is the next chapter, STARRING: I'm not going to tell you, but ****jewlthief500, thank you for your review.**

**So, here is the newest chapter of my story. **

**Oh, and I just posted a new story about Mary- Sues in the Marauder era, so you might want to check that out, if you feel like it.**

**Disclaimer:**

**Voldemort: if you think that she owns this, then I will kill you. But, I'll probably do that anyways.**

**And Your Blood Status is?**

"You, what is your blood status?"

"Umm, how is this relative to our therapy session, ma'am?" Mr. Shultz asked his latest basket case. This one seriously scarred him, though. More than Voldemort had.

"Why aren't you telling me your blood status? You're a filthy half- breed or a Mud- Blood, aren't you?" Screamed his patient, as she sat up on the couch.

"Alright, alright, I'm a pure blood, if it means that much to you."

"Oh, well why didn't you just tell me you imbecile! You should be proud to boast such high status in our society. Why on earth would you ever hide something like that?"

"well, blood status is not everything, you know." Said Mr. Shultz, while scribbiling down a few notes on his paper.

"YES IT IS SO EVerYTHING"

You know, thought Mr. Shultz, I should probably change the topic now.

"Umm, so why did you come to therapy?" asked Mr. Shultz

"Well, my husband said that I should, so I tortured him for a bit, using crucio. Then my parole officer came in and told me to stop, so I killed him. But, when my lord went to therapy, he said he neede some more people to come with him that way he didn't have to pay full price."

"So, you went for your master, umm, Lord Voldemort-"

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK HIS NAME!" the woman roared.

"I mean, you came for the Dark Lord, but not for your own husband? Why did you come for the Dark Lord but not your own Husband?" asked a very curios Mr. Shultz.

"Why on earth would I go for my husband?"

"Well, don't you care about him at all?" asked Mr. Shultz, while thinking about his own wife and children. Oh, what he would give if they didn't need him to work!

"I guess, maybe. I mean, I wouldn't get upset and avenge him if he was killed in battle! That would just be illogical and stupid!"

"Would you avenge your lord if he was killed in battle?"

"Well of course I would! He is my master! I would not rest until he was avenged!"

"I see."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, it appears that you care more for your Master then you do for your husband."

"Well, of course I do! My husband is weak, but my lord is so very strong and powerful."

"So, you like your master more than your husband?"

"Like I said, of course I do!"

"So, you are in love with your master, but not your husband?" said Mr. Shultz. He was actually pretty happy that he had managed to make a break through with this nut case.

"NO! I love no one! But, yes, I do enjoy my Lord's presence more than my husband's."

Now, all Mr. Shultz had to do was get her to admit the fact that she was in love with Voldemort. But, that was definitely going to be a challenge. And he wasn't quite sure if he wanted to take it on. But if he didn't, he may never get rid of her.

"Why do you enjoy your master's presence so much more than your husband's presence?" asked Mr. Shultz.

"Because, my husband would just let someone as annoying as you live, but my lord, he would just kill you without a second thought. He also cares more about blood status more than my husband does. My husband still doesn't understand why I must kill my sister, her husband, their daughter and her werewolf husband. But my master does. He understands."

"Maybe you really do love him."

"FINE! I do love him! Okay, but he loves no one, not even his own parents! It is useless!"

"Well, Bellatrix, I think that you have made much progress today. I guess that this concludes our therapy session. Goodbye"

"Well fine than, you filthy half blood!"

**Hooray! **

**Three chapters are now finished! **

**Tell me who you want to see next. And check out my new story "A Flamingo In a Flock of Pigeons"!**

**Review, please!**


	4. Oh, The Angst!

**Today, I am going to attempt to update all of my stories, write a four page paper (only 2 pages left!), take a driving test (just a practice one, I've still got a lot of time left till I get my liscenes), take my practice test for German, go to a birthday party, get my homecoming dress, a black cape (for harry Potter Day AND Super Hero Day!), read three chapters of Frankenstein (the movie is way better, but very different), and finish my Oedipus essay! **

**So, if this is a piece of crap, at least you know why!**

**I already said this in AOTMS, I wont be able to update for about two weeks due to Homecoming/ Spirit Week ( this upcoming week) and pre SATs/ Act/ AP placement exams (this will happen again in the spring time).**

**Now, what I want to know is what idiot decided to put Spirit Week (best part of HS) and Testing Crap Week (ugh) right next to each other?**

**Seriously, I'm going to spend all of Sunday suffering from sleep deprivation and attempting to study! **

**Curse you Mr. Sil- I probably shouldn't say his name. **

**Anyways, enough of my problems, let's see what problems a certain death eater is having!**

**Can't You Feel the Angst?**

"I never really wanted this, you know. It was all my wife's idea. I suggested that we could maybe just sell peacocks, or something nice and humble like that. She was the one who convinced me to join the dark lord and to become a death eater!"

"Umm… Sir, it actually says in your file that you wanted to join the dark lord, and that your wife wanted to sell peacocks for a living." Said Mr. Shultz, as he looked at the man's personal file, which detailed a great deal of his life.

"Well, umm, THEY CAN GET THESE THINGS WRONG, YOU KNOW!"

"Okay, okay, there is no need to be so stressed out. I was just mentioning that it certainly looks like you were the one that wanted to join Voldemort and the death eaters." Said Mr. Shultz

"You dare to speak the dark lord's name?"

"Umm… Yes?" oh god, he hoped this one wasn't like the last freak show that he got sent, other wise, he only had a few seconds left to live.

"Huh. I wish I could be that brave. Unless you have a wish for death, that is."

"Umm… Thank You?" said Mr. Shultz, who was a bit confused with this man's very odd behavior.

"You're welcome. You know, my wife never ever thanks me. But you do. It's kind of funny how that is, in a weird way, do you know what I mean?"

"I have absolutely no idea what you are trying say. But I do understand about your problems with your wife."

"So you have marital issues too?"

Yes, everybody does."

"Well, why wont she ever thank me!"

" Maybe you haven't been giving her enough attention lately."

"Of course she thinks that I'm not giving her enough attention! She's named after a guy who fell in love with his own reflection!"

"Well, maybe you should consider marriage counseling or group therapy."

"I'm already in therapy, in case you haven't noticed! You know, this really is all my mom's fault."

"Really? Why?" said Mr. Shultz, who was starting to get excited at the fact that his patient seemed to be making enough progress to try and talk about his child hood and parents.

"You see, when I was born, she arranged for me to marry the next pureblood girl born. Unfortunately, that one was pretty ugly, so she waited for the next one. Then she found out that the mom had been having an affair with a muggle born, so she was out too. Eventually, my future wife was born, and was pretty enough for my mother's liking, so I got engaged to her when I was barely four. I never did get to experience the bachelor life style, you know"

"So, you are trapped in a loveless marriage?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Although we have learned to put up with each other."

"So, the dark lord has nothing to do with this?" said Mr. Shultz

"Of course not! He has everything to do with this!"

"But you just said it was your mom's fault."

"Yeah, that I was trapped in a loveless marriage!"

"So, the dark lord just made things worse for you and for your already failing marriage?"

"No- I mean yes, actually. It did put a lot of strain on us."

"Were there any specific things that she complained a bout?"

"Well, she called me a work a holic. But if I wasn't then the dark lord would kill us all!"

"You know, my wife always says that I'm married to my job" said a very thoughtful Mr. Shultz

"Yes, I'm pretty sure that I heard Narcissa say that to me once or twice."

"Yeah, mines got my two kids saying it too." Said Mr. Shultz very glumly, and a bit depressingly.

"So does my son. But now, he has taken my place in the order of the death eaters."

"Well, congratulations, Lucius, now you have a bit more time to spend with your wife."

"Oh, great."

**YAY! I finally finished this chapter! **

**Sadly, this took me like 2 hours to write. And its only a couple hundred words.**

**Anyways, please REVIEW!**

**Press that button**

**There it is!**

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	5. Well, i was forced to!

**I just realized how long it took for me to update.**

**I am so sorry.**

**Here's a new chapter, though!**

**Why Me?**

Mr. Shultz looked curiously at his new patient.

He really didn't look quite old enough to be a Death Eater. He should really be in school right now.

He also looked a lot like the last man that had come in. They were probably related.

"So, how is it that you came to be a Death Eater, sir?" he asked. He knew he didn't have to call the boy 'sir', but he always appreciated a large tip, and flattery was definitely the way to go if you needed a bit of extra cash.

"I didn't want to be a Death Eater, you know. I actually wanted to be one of those muggle astrobots, or whatever they're called. Exploring space always seemed fun to me. But, then dad got arrested and crap like that, so I had to take his place."

"so you got forced into it?" asked Mr. Shultz. He was a bit surprised at how many of these 'Death Eaters' had claimed to be forced into this business of working for Voldemort and killing everyone they ever knew or met. Really, that man had no friends. Except for that nut case woman.

"Isn't that what I just told you? You people are so stupid." Said the sullen teen

"Well, how did it make you feel to be forced into it?" inquired Mr. Shultz

"Pretty pissed off!" yelled the teenager

"Umm, well" stuttered Mr. Shultz

"You see, you just don't get it, do you?" whined the boy

Get what?

"You've never been forced into anything, have you?" he said

"Maybe I'm being forced to be a therapist." Countered Mr. Shultz

"But still, the things they made me do" said the teen, as he gave a shudder

"Well, what did the Death Eaters and Voldemort-"

"Huuuh!" gasped the 'sullen teen'

"What?" asked a very confused Mr. Shultz

"You dare to speak his name?" asked the astounded teenager

"Oh, right, I forgot that you people always call him the 'Dark Lord' or "You Know Who' or something like that." Said Mr. Shultz as he realized his mistake

"Yes, he is quite terrifying."

"You know, fear of name increases the fear of the thing itself." Said a very thoughtful Mr. Shultz

"You sound just like that mud blood, Granger. She has such big teeth. I actually made up a pretty clever nickname for her. Gopher. You know, because gophers have such big teeth." Said the boy

"Um, yeah, I get it. I guess." Said Mr. Shultz, in a bit of a confused voice.

"What, don't you get it? I mean, she has big teeth, like a gopher's, and her last name starts with a G." explained the teen

"Oh, I get it, all right. I just don't find it all that funny." Said Mr. Shultz

"Well, maybe I have a different sense of humor that yours. Maybe I enjoy different things than you do. Maybe I don't enjoy certain things that you do. Maybe-"

But Mr. Shultz decided to cut him off before he could get started on some stupid angsty rant.

"Well, maybe I don't like other people to suffer at my expense. Ever think about that, pretty boy?" he said.

Wait! He thought, what on earth has gotten into me? One minute I'm a therapist, the next I'm some 'home boy' calling my patient names! What is going on here?

"Um, did you just call me a pretty boy, Mr. Shultz?" asked the very confused teenager

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy, I believe I did." Said a very confused Mr. Shultz

"Um, first of all you can call me Draco, and second of all, why?" asked the boy

"I am not sure." Said Mr. Shultz

"Did it feel good?" asked Draco very curiously

"Actually, it did." Said Mr. Shultz

"See, now you know how I feel." Said Draco

"Except" said Draco, as a bit of an afterthought, "you've never been forced into anything."

Ugh, not again!

"Why don't we just pick up here next week!" said Mr. Shultz, before they could get into this discussion all over again.

**Well, a new chapter. Pretty short, but I've got a bit of writers block, so it's not all that bad, I guess.**

**Any ways, Please Review!**


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